this mama life

This week feels forever.  Shorter day light longer night time.  It is official that summer is end and winter is creeping in.

 

I am back to the usual bump and grind.  Back to being solo parenting again.  Back to do every thing by myself.  Make all the decisions and responsible for almost every thing. And back to those anxious feelings at night time.  I am alone and there is no one to tag me out or give me a hug at the end of the day.  On the good days, when I was asked how I cope with this pattern of life I would say, invite some friends over for dinner or go for shopping, on the hard days, I just want to cry and scream!

this mama

 

This mama here is feeling a bit uncertain and kind of lost. This mama here is in dilemma.

But this mama tries hard to be strong and face whatever it is going to happen.  This mama will do her best to do what is best for all of us.  It's not gonna be easy but this mama will find the way to cope.

Sometimes, this mama wish that she were a boy so she could make the rules as she goes. But she's just a mama so she should understand.

thirteen years on

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary.

Thirteen years of marriage.  Eight a half years as parents.

There are days that I feel like I want to strangle you, but there are days that I miss you so much.

You taught me to be independent, you help me being confident in myself,  and you made me tough.  You also make me happy.

Happy anniversary my love, it's been far from ordinary.

keep calm and eat chocolate that's what i do!

Mr. Hubby is traveling a lot these days.  He's been commuting interstate and only home on the week-ends.  I miss him.  The Boys miss him.  The dog misses him.  We miss him.

It's not the empty side in the bed or the empty chair at the dining table, but the realization at the end of the day that he's not going to walk through the door with his usual, "Daddy's home" .

I always nervous every time Mr. Hubby has to go away.  I have this acute paranoia that I can't sleep the whole night until early morning.  I will hear every noises and my imagination will go wild.  I know it's pathetic but I can't help.  I just have to live with it.  Usually on the forth days I will crash and sleep through the night.  And the next day the cycle will begin again.

Being a single parent when he's away it's not easy for me.  Boys after school activities is one thing, I have to drop one boy here then get to drive to another place for the other one.  Then the homework that I sometimes feel like it's my homework rather than the kid's! Not to mention the argument I have to sort out about who is going to have shower first or  the dog has been fed yet, forms from school that need to be signed, sport carnival to attend, and all the different dramas that can happen in my household.

When he's away I sometimes think about all the single parent out there and how lonely those nights can be when you don't have someone to bounce ideas off of or to make decision or to share the worries that had been in the back of your mind.  I also admire their strength, being a solo parent is tough.  I've got it easy compare to these women.

He often asks me, "so you don't think you can cope when I'm away?" and my answer is always the same, "well, I suppose I can, I have to, I have no choice".   I am okay but I don't like being a solo parent.  I need Mr. Hubby, I couldn't imagine doing this all without him.

xoxo

on the fourth finger

" Where's your wedding ring? Why don't you put it on?"

"You don't wear your wedding ring, why?"

  

Those two sentences have become very familiar to me.  Some of my acquaintances  often asked me the same question whenever they see me without my wedding band.  At first, I would always answer politely that I forgot to put it on as I was in the hurry, or just completely forgot.  But sometimes this repeated question can be a little annoying and tiring.

So, what if I don't have my wedding ring  on my finger? "Oh, because people will think that you're not married and you can cheat" or " You don't put it on so you can flirt with the boys when you go out clubbing?"   *with a smirk smile* ..........

That what ring is for? So public will know that you are married and you can't cheat.  If you have no ring you can flirt and sleep with anyone you like? Sad and poor judgment my friend.  Ring or no ring if a woman decides to cheat on her man it can happen anywhere anytime.  A wedding band is not guaranteed that you won't cheat on your partner.  A ring is a symbol of commitment yes, but not a symbol of fidelity.  My husband never wears his ring because of the safety of his work, does it mean he can sleep with other woman? Does it mean he can cheat on me? If the measurement of marriage only based  on this subject, I think it's pretty lame.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment, that you promise to respect and love each other until death apart both of you.  It doesn't mean that you can't do what you want without your better-half tagging along behind you, or you can't go out having fun with your girlfriends anymore because you are a married woman.   Your faithfulness should not be define whether you have diamond ring wrap on your finger or not.  Infidelity often comes from fear, fear of insecurities about attractiveness, a need for approval or a problem in a relationship. Not because there's  no ring on your fourth finger!

I'm married and I left my ring near the kitchen sink ( as I have to cook dinner  before I go out ) and forgot to put it on.  At the moment  I am enjoying nice dinner and drink with my girlfriends.  When I'm done having a bit of fun  I will come home to my lovely kids and sleep next to my snoring husband.

xoxo

still going on

My man.  My Lover.  The father of my children.  Soul mate.

Twelve years ago this month we started dating.  Yes, there have been huge bumps in this

road, but the view from here keeps getting better!

Happy Anniversary to us!

ten years on and bugger me dead we're still together!

Today is ten years ago when we stand in the presence of God, family and friends to say our vows for better and worse, richer and poorer , in sickness and in health , together til death do us apart.

Today is ten years ago when we were still very much in love and gaze through each other eyes with much laughter and love.

Today is ten years ago when we were childless and enjoyed each other company without any nagging voices in the background.

Today is ten years ago where east met west and proved that we're compatible.

And today....ten years on, we have two gorgeous boys that we both love to death, a lunatic silly dog that caused us lots of trouble, a cosy comfortable house, and a mortgage. 

And I hope I would still have tons of patience and millions of love towards you, in another ten years time ahead or else we both would end up at Grayland ward.

Happy 10th anniversary Sweetheart, ten years already and getting better every day!

i think it would be very difficult being married to me

I am a total bitch at the moment. Not proud of that but can't help.

Sometimes, I feel like I just need a break, just for few days for being a wife and mother. Just for few days to exist as my myself, on my own terms. To think. To appreciate what I have. To not compare.

I have this kind of melt down every so often and my husband always says to me " this is because you always have an easy life, never to think about work the next day, and bla..bla...bla..." that I don't even want to hear. Why? Because it's true, well some of what he thoughts not all of them. I don't feel like I have an easy life totally, because believe me there were times when I had to deal and juggle every thing by myself on my own when my husband was away. Which I felt he had been away quiet a lot of time in the past, but not according to him and he became so defensive about it and we ended up in bitter argument! There were times when I have to deal with my own health and sanity. And it wasn't easy.

My term of an easy life are: a) you have full time maid who do every thing from cleaning the house until minding your children b) your family is living near/around the corner so you can reach them when you need them c) you can go lunch here and there , dinner out as often as you like, party like a superstar d) shopping free with no limitation e) always on holidays destinations f) children are just your accessories so you can dress them up as cute as Suri Holmes or Shiloh Pitt and people will envy you because you have gorgeous children, and the last g) having a handsome George Clooney look a like, smart, rich and not a stingy husband . That's my easy life!

Do I have all those terms above? Unfortunately not. But I still have an easly life in the eye of my husband. And I know I am being spoilt-brat-person in here. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have children and have them be healthy and to have a partner and enormous support. I know others do it far tougher and some women don't even have children as much as they desperately would love to. So forgive me if you fall into that category. Yes, I do feel churlish about even voicing complaints like this. 

Maybe I just want to complain about my husband, or it's just me being a damn woman with too much manner? Does anybody else have ever felt that kind of feeling? Like you just being stuck as a mother and wife, you dedicate or slave yourself for your children and husband and at the end of the day you feel empty and not happy?