restless soul

 

Sometimes mister hubby asks if we would be willing to pack up and travel around in our ute for a year.  I don't take him seriously and I can't say I am entirely keen on the idea too.  But lately I have been thinking about packing up the house and just go.  More likely actually I have been wanting to live somewhere else.  I am itchy to move out of this city life to somewhere new, new scenery and experience.  With that, I want to build a new life, life that I've been dreaming for so long. I always want to do something besides being a mother.  But this something at the moment is a bit absurd, impossible, uncertain, to be achieved.  

Maybe I am a bit of hippy or what, or maybe I am bored ( but I am not allowed to be bored because my life is wonderful and easy! ) and just feeling a bit low.  I always feel like I want to move after couple years of living in the same place.  When I was a couple months old my parents moved from the town I was born to another town.  We stayed there for a year or so then we packed up and moved to another island.  Couple years on this island we moved to another town before we made our way to the big city where I spent most of my childhood and adulthood.  When I got married, my newly hubby took me to this city where we live now.  Though we then moved to another country for couple years then we came back here with a new additions to our family.

way of life

My friend's sister just passed away couple days ago. She's still young. Her sickness was so sudden. Though I didn't know her very well but somehow I keep thinking of her. I mean, life is so precious. She was way too young to leave this universe. She still has dreams and wishes.

For that matter, I have been in deep thinking that not how much we own the cars, the house, the cash but what matter is how we live and love and how we spend our dash. As a human being I tend to focus on what I don't have instead of the other way around, and always complaining about my life instead of being grateful.

So, I think I should learn to appreciate life every moment and put my unnecessary concerns aside and just be thankful that I am healthy, I have food in my fridge and a roof over my head and the most important thing I have my little family who love me unconditionally.

i think it would be very difficult being married to me

I am a total bitch at the moment. Not proud of that but can't help.

Sometimes, I feel like I just need a break, just for few days for being a wife and mother. Just for few days to exist as my myself, on my own terms. To think. To appreciate what I have. To not compare.

I have this kind of melt down every so often and my husband always says to me " this is because you always have an easy life, never to think about work the next day, and bla..bla...bla..." that I don't even want to hear. Why? Because it's true, well some of what he thoughts not all of them. I don't feel like I have an easy life totally, because believe me there were times when I had to deal and juggle every thing by myself on my own when my husband was away. Which I felt he had been away quiet a lot of time in the past, but not according to him and he became so defensive about it and we ended up in bitter argument! There were times when I have to deal with my own health and sanity. And it wasn't easy.

My term of an easy life are: a) you have full time maid who do every thing from cleaning the house until minding your children b) your family is living near/around the corner so you can reach them when you need them c) you can go lunch here and there , dinner out as often as you like, party like a superstar d) shopping free with no limitation e) always on holidays destinations f) children are just your accessories so you can dress them up as cute as Suri Holmes or Shiloh Pitt and people will envy you because you have gorgeous children, and the last g) having a handsome George Clooney look a like, smart, rich and not a stingy husband . That's my easy life!

Do I have all those terms above? Unfortunately not. But I still have an easly life in the eye of my husband. And I know I am being spoilt-brat-person in here. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have children and have them be healthy and to have a partner and enormous support. I know others do it far tougher and some women don't even have children as much as they desperately would love to. So forgive me if you fall into that category. Yes, I do feel churlish about even voicing complaints like this. 

Maybe I just want to complain about my husband, or it's just me being a damn woman with too much manner? Does anybody else have ever felt that kind of feeling? Like you just being stuck as a mother and wife, you dedicate or slave yourself for your children and husband and at the end of the day you feel empty and not happy?

the present dillemma

Today was one of those days when the universe wraps itself around my head and humps my skull. It is started when I have browsed around the internet and got connected with news from my old school girlfriends. Few of them are pursuing a good career, high position in the company, while some of them even own a company. But most of them or I can say all of my girlfriends who are married they are also a working mum.

Envy...? I am so green jealous. For quiet some time I have been happy and content with my life. I have two gorgeous healthy kids, one loving and very supportive husband (can't have two husbands, can I?), nice country to live, good circle of friends that I can rely on and a future brand new house that is very close to be finished. But, why am I still not satisfy ? 

 

There is one thing inside myself that I always want to conquer. I would love to be financially independent. Not to proof that I'm a super woman amongst my friends or I am as equal as my husband. More for my sanity, for my self-confindent, to prove to myself that I can do that. And perhaps mostly the reason is because I like to do something worth,

I love to earn my own money even though it's a small amount.

 

I hate to say this, but I don't want to fall in to a stereotype housewives that I have seen a lot surround here, lazing around the house and do nothing, lunch here and there, social gathering almost every day, shopping up the storm and only thinking and talking about what designer brand bags I would buy next, plus acting as if you are not married and have kids.

Don't get me wrong. I do like to socialize with my friends or catch up on some useful information (not gossiping :p) over cuppa. And once a while if the occasion arises going out for a fun night. While these things are nice to have but I don't want it to be my life style. It's just not me. I want to keep my brain working in the right direction, if you know what I mean.

I always dream to have my own little business, or I would like to work, not full time so that I still have time to spend with my boys. I would like to have a different conversations rather than always around kids things, recipes, house cleaning, cooking, cheap gossips, etc. I miss being on train or bus to go to work, walking in the cold air to get to the meeting, the adrenalin rush when you have a deadline, the co-workers, the boss, the projector, and every thing!

I am craving for my financial independence lots lately. I do want to make money. I miss to have my own money. I had always worked and had my own money since I was 19. I sound like I'm mad about money. But it's not that way, I don't know how to explain more accurately about this. It's just something that now and then I'm longing for. Perhaps this is one of the thing that is made worse by my mood. Maybe today was not a good time to read about other people success. At the end of the day I am a lucky mother and wife, and one thing that I should remind myself is do not always look above you and you'll never satisfy.